Tall Tara

I’m a baker. Mixing ingredients and turning them into an edible treat…it’s something I’ve always loved doing. And I don’t discriminate. I’ll make cookies, cupcakes or sweet bars of any kind. Just as long as a warm oven is involved.

However, during the past two weeks of my Paleo challenge, I’ve had to deny that part of myself.

Until yesterday.

I baked a little something special for my good friend’s bachelorette party–brownies in the shape of penises.

Classy, I know.

But why was it so difficult for me to bake something without being able to eat it?

Because I’m a batter-eater and spoon-licker.

Because I’m a first-one-out-of-the-oven taste-tester.

Because I’m a look-that-one’s-broken-and-can’t-possibly-be-served-to-guests kind of girl.

Because I’m someone with a sweet tooth bigger than the state of Alaska.

So while the baked goods looked and smelled delicious, I wasn’t able to give the chocolate cock my seal of approval. All of the foreplay of mixing the ingredients with none of the satisfaction afterwards…it was like the worst case of blue balls ever. (I’m guessing.)

Another interesting lesson learned while baking the bachelorette brownies: you have to be careful when using a penis mold. A few from the early batch were hard to get out of the mold and I ended up with some mashed-up scrotums.

I simply called those the Lance Armstrongs of the batch and figured the ladies could make do.

And with their mouths full of cock…I heard no complaints.

Sorry Ingrid. You knew it was coming, right?

I’ve been doing the Paleo nutritional challenge (I mentioned that I hate the word diet, right?) for nine days now. Not a ton of time, but enough to begin to see some changes and feel some differences.

A few things I’ve learned this past week…

• People like to talk about food. As soon as I mention what I’m doing, it raises emotions in people. Either they think I’m totally crazy or they’ve tried something like this in the past or they have lots of questions. But so far, not one person has heard about the Paleo way of eating and NOT had something to say about it.

• Sugar withdrawals are real. And they suck. The worst episode (so far) happened to me on Thursday afternoon at the office. I was lethargic, tired, grumpy, achy and bitchy. Definitely not the best Tara that my co-workers have ever seen–in fact, probably the worst. It was so bad I had to cancel my dinner plans that night…with a friend who was cooking a Paleo dinner, no less.

• Temptation is everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I can understand how Tiger Woods felt now. Except that unlike him, I haven’t cheated.  But I do want to send dirty text messages to every cookie I see, telling it exactly what I’m going to do to it. Baked goods how you taunt me!

• We have way less recycling now. Funny that when you don’t buy food that comes in boxes or cans, you really don’t have much to put in the recycling pile. On the flip side, our refrigerator is overflowing and our freezer stocked. After a trip to Costco, our cupboards aren’t as bare as they once were but there are now filled with gargantuan bags of nuts. (Insert nut joke of your choice here.)

• Coconut milk is a girl’s best friend. Fuck diamonds. When you can’t have any sugar or natural sweeteners, coconut milk poured over fruit tastes like heaven. The dessert of Paleo champions, I say.

• Limiting yourself to only four drinks a week  makes you very picky about where and when you enjoy those drinks. If I agree to have a glass of wine with you in the near future, consider yourself honored. Because that’s a quarter of my weekly alcohol consumption right there. But if I do have a glass of wine, you can be damn sure I’m appreciating it. Slowly.

• Events can be difficult to attend. This past week, I went to an open house where I had to turn down hummus (my comfort food of choice) and many beers. The very next day, I attended a blogger meetup where the only options were fruity champagne drinks and cookies. Finally, on Saturday, I was at a full-day conference that had piles of chocolate in the middle of each table…that I tried not to make eye contact with while eating my nut & seed mixture. I’ve managed to hold it together at these events but I realize that I’m meeting new people left and right that are going to remember me only as “that crazy girl”.

• I’m hungry. All the time. Even when I feel full, I’m hungry five minutes later. Gone are those days of carb satiation, where your belly is big and you couldn’t possibly eat another bite. Say hello to second breakfasts, second lunches and near-constant grazing.

• My husband is amazing. I already knew this one but after the past nine days, I’ve never appreciated him more. He’s viewing this entire thing as a culinary challenge and simply put, he’s rising to the occasion. We’ve been eating really well and he’s kind enough to put up with me when I start getting cranky. (Babe, I think you’re really going to enjoy eating that mango off my six-pack abs in Belize when we’re done with this.) And besides, this challenge gave him the reason to get that meat grinder he’s always wanted.

• Life doesn’t end without carbs, dairy or sugar. I’m still eating delicious foods and they’re actually tasting better than ever before. Meals must be carefully planned but the mindfulness that goes into the food preparation makes it that feel that much more enriching. To illustrate my point, here are a few of the things we’ve enjoyed in the past week: cauliflower mashers, buffalo steaks, beet salad, spaghetti squash, Cornish game hen, (many) green salads, roasted asparagus, sauteed brussel sprouts, meatloaf and an omelette with salmon, spinach and onions inside.

• Eating out is a bitch. No way around this one. I can do Chipotle and the Whole Foods salad bar pretty easily, but for the most part, I’m sticking to eating leftovers from the previous night’s dinner for lunch. There are many, many lunch places that I simply refuse to step foot inside for fear that I won’t be able to eat a single thing they serve.

Stay tuned for more updates as I progress along in this journey. So far, so good and only 33 more days left…but who’s counting?

This is my challenge for the next six weeks.

Starting tomorrow, my diet can be summed up in this one line: meats, vegetables, nuts & seeds, some fruit, little starch and no sugar.

You read that correctly. No dairy, no potatoes, no grains and, gulp, no beer. (You know that I really like beer, yes?)

Fortunately, my personal chef husband will be joining me on this Paleo adventure. Is it coincidence that I leave for my honeymoon one week after this challenge ends? Perhaps. But since I’ve been working hard at CrossFit for the past six weeks, I felt it was time to bring in the nutritional component of my Belize Buff-up plan.

And I mentioned the bikini right?

We prepared yesterday by boxing up the food that we wouldn’t be eating during the challenge.

Then, we went to the store to stock up on what we would be eating. Interestingly, it costs A LOT FREAKING more to eat real foods that don’t come in boxes. After the trip to Whole Paycheck Foods, my cupboard now looks like this…

Additionally, we’re supposed to limit alcohol to 4 drinks per week and there are NO cheat days. And since my coach reads this blog (Hi Nicole!), if I get pissy and want to talk shit, well, she’ll know and will probably add a few sets of the dreaded burpees into my workouts.

Going into this, we were warned of cravings, mood swings and frustration. If you have any reason to interact with me in the next six weeks, please do so tenderly. (Or just get back to me in March…)

I think I’m ready. But deep down, I’m really nervous. I’ve never done anything like this before and the fear is what’s pushing me. Without challenge, there is no growth. And without sugar…well, we’ll see what that does to me.

So here we go, starting tomorrow -for better or worse, for Belize, for my health - I am cavewoman. Hear me roar!

Or at least hear me whine about how much I want ice cream.

If you haven’t picked up on it yet, most of my challenges seem to revolve around athletic themes. There are the obvious physical and mental obstacles involved, but I’m pretty sure that I’m still trying to make up for lost time. And convince myself I’m an athlete.

In September of 2009, I ran my first trail race in Oregon. 14 miles on uneven dirt with exposed roots and rocks, uphill and down, with the threat of stinging bees along the course. Pretty much the hardest half-marathon I’ve ever run…and it wasn’t the biggest challenge of this year.

Earlier in 2009, I ran a new race, the Fort Collins half-marathon. I wanted to run it so I could say, “Take a bus up the Poudre”, as often as possible at 5:30 in the morning. And it was as fun as I thought it would be. However, around mile eight, my knee started hurting and making it to the finishing line was mentally tough. Still not the biggest challenge of the year.

[I asked my husband about his biggest challenge this year and he answered marriage. Funny. That was the easiest thing I did all year.]

Nope, the hardest thing I did in 2009 was starting CrossFit.

I already blogged about how nervous I was before the first class and made the requisite cult jokes. Now, after almost five weeks in, I can say that it was, and still is, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I absolutely love it. And it might be a cult.

It wasn’t just the workouts. Although they were tough. Pull-ups, push-ups, dead-lifts, squats and kettle-ball tough. Yes, I cried out for baby Jesus. Yes, I sweat. And yes, I bitched about  CrossFit on Twitter.

And it wasn’t just because these killer workouts took place at 6:45 in the morning. Before I had to go into the office for a full day of work.

It might have been because getting to those workouts required perilous walks or bike rides in the dark, across ice and through snow, at a time in the morning when I’m normally snuggling in bed with the warm hubby.

That was definitely the hardest part.

(Besides the burpees. I hate those things.)

Despite all my grumbling about being sore, the results of my hard work were crystal clear this past weekend.

I rang in the new year with two days of skiing. The first day was spent remembering what I was doing and getting used to the snow. We got a full day in and I felt pretty confident.

Day two was amazing. Five inches of new powder, lots of tree skiing and three black diamond runs. My goal for the entire upcoming ski season was to feel comfortable on black diamonds and here I was, day two, in knee-deep powder and amongst trees. Shredding it, feeling good and breathing into my quads.

The fact that I kicked ass my first two days on the slope this year is proof positive that CrossFit has already helped me to become a stronger athlete.

And if that wasn’t enough, waking up today, I wasn’t sore at all. While the husband talked about his sore legs, I simply smiled.

Bring it, CrossFit.

I officially met Elaine in 2008. And for the life of me, I can’t remember where we were…probably at some meetup or another. But that doesn’t really matter since it wasn’t until this year that we became good friends.

From my bachelorette party in February…

To my wedding reception in June…

Elaine Eleanor Ellis rocked my world this year.

With her charmingly awkward ways and her ability to pierce ear drums with a high-pitched “Ummmmm…”, Elaine made me laugh a lot.

She also helped me pick out a wedding dress. Without hitting anything in her car.

Thanks to Chicks who Click, Elaine and I shared hotel rooms in two different states. In one, I drifted off to sleep making fun of the fact that she had to check Twitter before she could go to sleep.

“Goodnight @ElaineEllis.”

In the other hotel room we shared, Elaine promptly fell asleep within two minutes of scoring us a free movie from hotel  management.

Of course, she was probably really tired from all that chalk-art drawing she had done earlier that evening.

The highlight of my friendship with Elaine this year was sharing the stage with her at Ignite 5. The beauty of doing a presentation about beer is that you have to hang out and drink beer while planning your talk. Our hard work paid off and we schooled the geeks with our knowledge of Colorado microbrews.

But the thing I love most about Elaine is that two months ago she did something most of us only dream about: she quit her job to travel. And on top of that, she did it all by herself.

I couldn’t be prouder of my friend. Judging from her blog posts and tweets, Elaine is doing a wonderful job of traveling solo and seems to be succeeding in the goal of spreading her special brand of awkward all over Europe.

Thanks for all the fun this year Elaine. Here’s to more Rio margs together in 2010! ¹

Photo credits: highfireDANGER, greeblemonkey, and kitseeborg

I have Micah to thank for this one. In addition to being the #1 douchebag, he also knows art.

For Christmas a few years back, he gave me a gift certificate to 20×200. His present allowed me to purchase a beautiful print for my husband’s new office and more importantly, changed how I viewed buying art.

It could be affordable. It could be fun. It didn’t have to be intimidating. Or pretentious.

(Is it terribly obvious that I don’t come from a world where people buy art?)

So this…

to me, is like a concert ticket that you want to save and put in your scrapbook. I bought a few new pieces of art this year and highly recommend the 20×200 site…even if you’re just in the mood for some virtual window-shopping.

20×200 is much more than an online store. It’s an experience.

And they make it extremely easy to live with art.

I used to hate olives. With a passion.

As in, from the very pit of my being.

Then something happened.

And I’m pretty sure that something rhymes with “mirty fartini”.

Don’t get me wrong….I still don’t like black olives.

But holy shit. Those big green ones, or small green ones, stuffed with blue cheese or simply floating in vodka.

Sorry it took me so long…

Olive you.

Photo credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/darwinbell/ / CC BY-NC 2.0, Grace Boyle, and http://www.flickr.com/photos/vtveen/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

I agree with Gwen that the way we listen to, discover and acquire music is monumentally different these days.

The fact that my father-in-law knows what Pandora is and streams it on his boat amazes me.

And 2009 is the year that I realized that Gen Y really is good for something: music recommendations. (I kid. Sort of.)

But with all that said, there was one album that stuck out for me as the best. The album I couldn’t get enough of, that put a smile on my face and made me dance around my living room–all my qualifications for awesomeness.

Oh Jack.

There’s that thing about him being totally adorable.

This is just a gratuitous picture of Jack being adorable. I rest my case.

But then there’s also that thing where he incorporates sounds and influences from all over the world into his music…a dash of Fela Kuti, some disco throwback and a healthy dose of Brazilian Tropicalia…reminding us that like his album’s name, Everything is New.

Not bad for a young kid out of England. Who was your Jack this year?

(Hat tip to Bossy’s Ear Worm…a wonderful source of music recommendations from many different time periods. And definitely NOT a Gen Yer.)

There’s something about heading out on a backpacking trip that is synonymous with peace for me. Maybe it’s because I know I won’t have any chance to log in or maybe it’s because I know that all I have to worry about is when to pump water and how many fish to fry up…

We went on a backpacking trip into Mee Canyon, Utah this past May and it was incredible. Not only was it some of the most difficult hiking I’ve ever done, especially with a heavy pack on, it was also some of the most secluded. We saw one other person the entire four days we were there.

Honestly, there’s just not anything to stress about when you have everything you need on your back. Either you have it or you don’t.

All of my most peaceful moments occur when I sleep outdoors, feeling the breeze and waking up with the sun, knowing that I’m just a very small part of the much larger picture.

My reading interests are varied, to say the least.

Here are my runners-up for best nonfiction book (that I read) this year…

All really amazing, each in their own way. But there was one book that gave me loads more to think about…a book with plenty to digest…full of potty humor and a topic that no one likes to discuss…

That’s right. This masterpiece about poop was informative, humorous and a little scary–what to do with human waste is a growing global health issue and one that often gets buried, burned or flushed away.

I also read a few fictional tales that I also enjoyed…one of them being Twilight. (I felt like I had to understand what the frenzy was all about. Now that I have, I don’t really have any desire to read the rest of the series.) Interesting that two of my three favorite pieces of fiction have already been turned into movies.  The third is a moving collection of short stories by Miranda July, causing me to fall even more in love with the talented Ms. July and to rekindle my passion for the art of telling short stories.

But the best novel I read this year was one that surprised me a bit. Written by an author living in a small town in Wyoming, this book was recommended to me by my father and is the first in a whole murder-mystery series. I gave this one a (skeptical) try and am very glad I did. Craig Johnson writes about Wyoming better than anyone I’ve encountered. He nails it from the descriptions of the landscape to the characters of the people. And he crafted a mighty good yarn surrounding a mysterious death…

Those are my votes but I need some recommendations for 2010. What were some of your favorites?