Am I keeping Tara Anderson?

Posted on April 25, 2009, 2:32 pm, by Tarable, under love and rainbows, reflection, the ladies.

Ever since I got married, it’s the question I get asked the most. Am I going to change my name?

I never have a good answer to that one.

yournamehere1

photo credit: duncan

I’ve been married before and I’ve changed my name before. It wasn’t an easy process or one I enjoyed. Same goes for switching back to my maiden name after the divorce.  (He politely asked me to not keep his name and I was more than happy to oblige.) In case you lost count, that’s already two times that I’ve changed my name. Oh, twenties, how much you taught me.

However, this time it’s different. The last time I changed my name, I wasn’t doing much of anything online and I definitely wasn’t working in the tech industry. I didn’t have a profile set up under my name on tons of services or any idea that “Google juice” actually existed. A digital footprint wasn’t something I thought about.

Which leads me to the Marriage 2.0 question…do I change my name this time around?

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m nothing close to a page rank queen because I’m defintely not the only Tara Anderson around. There is an amazingly talented crafter (who beat me to the username on Flickr and takes wonderful photos), an OB/GYN doctor in Illinois, a public radio producer in New York City and a few profiles on MySpace.

Let’s not forget the struggling actress and the  list-maker, both of whom besides sharing my name, also share similar passions with me. Don’t even get me started on the hot swimsuit entrepreneur currently living in Romania.

But the thing is…I like my name.

After a little online research into the subject, another point surfaced. There are no other Tara Calihmans out there. If I took my husband’s last name, I could own the space. I go from an Anderson to a Calihman, keeping myself still in the first half of the alphabet and with the same number of letters, but I become the only Tara Calihman.

Even more online research brings me to one of my favorite women. Turns out Penelope Trunk has changed her name four times, which makes my two name changes seem like child’s play.

yournamehere2

photo by: slavin fpo

But this possible increase in the search results comes at what cost? Having to change my name on not just all of my physical accounts but also on all of my viral ones, getting the word out to people I know and building my Google cred from the bottom. Oy. Just the thought of it makes my head hurt with visions of form after form, lost pieces of mail and a weird kind of online anonymity that might end up hurting the chances of someone looking for me. (On a related geeky note, do I have to retag everything?)

Like so many other things about the beginning of a new life, this question is just the tip of the iceberg.  If I don’t change my  name, what happens when we have kids? Do we become that annoying couple with a hyphenated last name that becomes too long to fit on forms? Does my husband change his name or do we decide to buck tradition and pick a new last name together? Does my name have anything to do with my identity beyond the realm of Google? What is a name anyway?

And of course, why is this something I’m even worrying about? You don’t see guys writing posts like these.

Help me out and shine some light on this one, oh smart ladies of the internet. What do you think, or better yet–what have you done about changing your name after marriage?

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  • Took my husband's name, but never got around to changing it w/social security. When divorce is final, I will finally, legally have his name, which I'm keeping for the kids, but since separation, I've started using my maiden name too, ie Stephanie Goggin Hight. I don't think there is an easy answer to this question and it's v. personal. (Love the "marriage 2.0" btw). I knew a couple in Idaho who took each of their names and compounded them, which was interesting. Maybe..anagrams?
  • Still haven't figured it out. I'm thinking it's going to be one of those things that I finally get around to when the kids are about to enter high school. And yes, that would be the unborn children. ;)
  • Tara Anderson
    My name is Tara Anderson. Its a fabulous name and I say keep it.
  • Why thank you Tara Anderson. I appreciate the support!
  • I'm just Kato being Kato. :)

    Also, because it was bugging me, said "witch doctor" is named Mola Ram, Thuggee High Priest. Had to look it up.
  • I had started to think about the ramifications of marital name changes for online reputation, accounts, etc. Thanks for exploring this., Changing your name to "Calihman" could have branding advantages.... and it sounds like a good name... and it's unique... although I like the "ring" of Anderson better.

    I totally understand your reluctance to "switch things up" - but I mostly think of you as "TARA" and if you switched your last name - it would be fairly easy for me to adjust to and make the connection.

    If you did want to change it - I've learned switching online names isn't super hard. I switched my online name from "BrettFromTibet" to my real name about 4 months ago and the transition was painless and surprisingly easy. Took about 2 months and 99.9% of people mentally switched over and adjusted.

    My $0.02
  • Tara,

    I had an interesting question like this come up in my life as well, just not related to marriage. See, my last name is in no way related to me. My mother kept her ex-husbands last name and then bestowed it upon me. It is why I can get away with saying I'm Italian instead of having to explain I'm Chamorro when people whom I have no desire to talk to ask me what my heritage is. So, it's quite useful. :)

    Then, about 3 years ago, I met my dad -- and his last name is Atalig, and I really wanted to change my last name to his. Not only because it would make it a lot easier to own land on the remote island in the North Pacific that my family owns a large part of, but because that name is actually in my bloodline. It would mean something... right?

    But I won't.

    Why?

    "Amy Segreti" is just... me. It's more than a title, and more than a professional history. I just feel like I would be changing myself, and Amy Segreti is supposed to live and learn and grow but not change that title. Just, keep evolving.

    Anyways. That was probably not very helpful, but I just wanted to share my thoughts. I really enjoyed your post. :)
  • Chloebear
    I never changed my name, mostly due to the fact that it is unusual (Tibuni) and my father passed away several years ago and it makes me feel closer to him. I sign everything T-Maynard because I do LOVE my new last name!
  • Wait...so you did change your name? Or you just added a T in front of your married name? You've confused me, Mrs. Chloebear.
  • KatoKatonian
    It's a very intriguing question these days isn't it? Maybe we should do like the Vikings (or Icelanders for that matter) and just use a surname that indicates lineage (Erikson, Guðmundsdóttir, etc.) Of course our society really isn't built on that, and I guess you'd have to shift importance of web-presence to first names (or, better yet, aliases... ahem). I know a couple who actually both changed their last name to a third, different last name (one of a person they greatly admired). Doesn't really help SEO though.

    On a selfish note, changing your name to "Calihman" would be kinda awesome cause it sounds like what the witch-doctor guy in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is calling out when he's trying to steal Indy's heart.
  • Yet another reason I love you Kato. With your alias talk and your Indy references, I really can't go wrong with your advice.
  • I'm not married, but I have some pretty strong feelings on this topic. It's a very hard, very personal choice, and I know for me, a lot of the considerations I have about not changing my name involve my professional history and my family - especially now that my father is dead. My parents worked hard to choose my name, it has an interesting history, and it really defines who I am.

    That said, you'll decide what's right for you. If you're having difficulty making the decision, maybe now is not the time to make it? There's no rule that you can't wait awhile before deciding. Good luck!
  • Totally punting on this decision.
  • I kept my "maiden" name, my last name is Italian and has very much defined me for my entire life. My hubby had no problem with it, but I know some men do. Our girls both have his last name no hyphenating a long Italian name onto his name. Although our girls both have Italian first names!

    You'll know what's right. Last name does not define commitment, I personally think taking a man's name is rather antiquated. I do have an entire gaggle of friends that changed to their husband's name as well as changed their middle name to their maiden name. How's that for mixing it all up?
  • Love what you did Denise. I'm thinking it would be better for our children to take Adam's last name so as not to cause any problems within the public school system. Although in this day and age, last names are really the last thing you need to worry about when it comes to public schools.

    And Daniel, I appreciate that Adam's friends care enough to share their feelings. Although "oily bohunk" is the last term I think of when it comes to Adam. :)
  • Since you're a bit gun shy from the last blast, why not just change your name legally and leave all of your online exploits as TA? You could gradually phase into the new obedient wife {chuckles} role. Plus, there's something cool about having an pseudonym. It makes your police report more interesting should you get pinched for anything. Besides, I'm sure it would make your oily bohunk happy, and we all know the Cohain has enough to worry about...
  • I often wonder the same thing... my initials are ABC, and its kind of become my identity. On top of that, my dad's initials are also ABC, and I love that. If I changed my name it would become ABK (so not as cool... if any of this is actually "cool" to begin with). On the other hand, I want to have the same last name as my kids...

    SO: none of that helps you. I'm just telling you because you're not the only one. I would say that you have to do what your gut tells you. They're both great names (it would be an easier decision if your new name would be Focker) so either way you'll be awesome... which is always a good thing. Yeah, like I said, there's really no information in here to help you... just me rambling... putting off going to the gym... again...
  • I love it when you put off going to the gym, Ally. You should do it more often.

    If you get married, you could do as Denise suggested in the comments and keep your maiden name as your middle name. Then you would be ACK. That's totally whack.

    (Obviously, I'm putting off doing any real work.)
  • Adam
    Help this woman out already!
  • Spoken like someone married to me!
  • I added my husbands name when we got married. I now wish I never did. The combined name is too long to write, most forms don't have enough spaces, and it is hard to say quickly. I've actually considered dropping it again, except I think that would give the wrong message because we are quite happily married.

    So I say stick with your current name. You like it, people know you by it, and it saves tons of hassle.
  • Rachel, thanks for the advice. I'm sticking with Anderson for the time being. Perhaps when I have kids and we want to go on a game show together, I'll think about changing it.
  • When I was engaged, it seemed crazy that I wouldn't adopt my husband's name. I am a very traditional person about some things, and that was one of them. That, however, was before I found out he was cheating on me. It was also before my Mama died, and I became the last of my clan.

    My last boyfriend and I talked about marriage a few times, and I guess my ability to be the "good, little wifey" sort of went out the window. It's important to me now to be the last of my kind. It's important to me to have that name. I can't imagine being anyone else. I never really liked his name anyway, and the fact that we aren't together anymore could have been a reason why I was so hesitant about it.
  • Alma, thanks for your comment. It's amazing the weight and memories that a name can carry. When I think back to my married name, I shiver. It brings back awful associations and never felt truly like me.
  • It's your call.

    But since you asked. I changed my name when I got married. Kept my married name after the divorce.

    My take on the whole 'last name thing' is that having the same last name signifies teamwork and togetherness.

    If (IF!!) I were to ever get married again, I would change names again. Cause it's what would be important to me.

    When it comes right down to it, it's really not about page ranking and changing forms and all the other supposed obstacles we think exist...it's about what feels right to you. Obviously it doesn't feel right, so don't do it. Cause if it did feel right? You wouldn't be asking and this wouldn't be an issue :-)

    Just my 2 cents :-)
  • Thanks Kath. Sometimes the most obvious answer is the one directly in front of my face. I think you said it best with..."it's about what feels right to you".

    I'm hoping that maybe one day, changing my name will feel right.
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