For example, this morning I deadlifted 100 lbs. Which I thought was awesome.

And then I hear a fellow athlete, Suzanne, call out her deadlift weight.

145 lbs.

Which is even more awesome.

This is Suzanne:

I wouldn't fuck with this one if I were you.

I’ve known Suzanne for almost two years now. We work out together regularly at the buttcrack of dawn and we both share a slightly sarcastic sense of humor. Meaning that if you’re in class with us at 5:30am, one of us will probably be cracking jokes. Hey, you do what you have to in order to survive these workouts.

The other thing I love about Suzanne? She’s 23 years older than me.

But the absolute BEST thing about Suzanne? She holds the world record for being the oldest woman to row across the Atlantic. Not only was she part of a team of rowers going for the trans-Atlantic speed record (they missed it due to cross-current issues), but when she was finished with the journey, she also picked up an antibiotic-resistant staph infection, MRSA.

Holy shit. As if the rowing wasn’t hard enough.

I have crazy respect for athletes like Suzanne because honestly, they are one of the main things that keep me coming back into Crossfit Roots again and again. I can only hope one day to be as accomplished.

(I’m okay without the MRSA though.)

However, during the past two weeks of my Paleo challenge, I’ve had to deny that part of myself.

Until yesterday.

I baked a little something special for my good friend’s bachelorette party–brownies in the shape of penises.

Classy, I know.

But why was it so difficult for me to bake something without being able to eat it?

Because I’m a batter-eater and spoon-licker.

Because I’m a first-one-out-of-the-oven taste-tester.

Because I’m a look-that-one’s-broken-and-can’t-possibly-be-served-to-guests kind of girl.

Because I’m someone with a sweet tooth bigger than the state of Alaska.

So while the baked goods looked and smelled delicious, I wasn’t able to give the chocolate cock my seal of approval. All of the foreplay of mixing the ingredients with none of the satisfaction afterwards…it was like the worst case of blue balls ever. (I’m guessing.)

Another interesting lesson learned while baking the bachelorette brownies: you have to be careful when using a penis mold. A few from the early batch were hard to get out of the mold and I ended up with some mashed-up scrotums.

I simply called those the Lance Armstrongs of the batch and figured the ladies could make do.

And with their mouths full of cock…I heard no complaints.

Sorry Ingrid. You knew it was coming, right?

]]> http://talltara.com/staring-into-the-face-of-the-devil/feed/ 11 http://talltara.com/best-of-2009-new-person/ http://talltara.com/best-of-2009-new-person/#comments Thu, 31 Dec 2009 17:34:56 +0000 Tarable http://talltara.com/?p=641 I officially met Elaine in 2008. And for the life of me, I can’t remember where we were…probably at some meetup or another. But that doesn’t really matter since it wasn’t until this year that we became good friends.

From my bachelorette party in February…

To my wedding reception in June…

Elaine Eleanor Ellis rocked my world this year.

With her charmingly awkward ways and her ability to pierce ear drums with a high-pitched “Ummmmm…”, Elaine made me laugh a lot.

She also helped me pick out a wedding dress. Without hitting anything in her car.

Thanks to Chicks who Click, Elaine and I shared hotel rooms in two different states. In one, I drifted off to sleep making fun of the fact that she had to check Twitter before she could go to sleep.

“Goodnight @ElaineEllis.”

In the other hotel room we shared, Elaine promptly fell asleep within two minutes of scoring us a free movie from hotel  management.

Of course, she was probably really tired from all that chalk-art drawing she had done earlier that evening.

The highlight of my friendship with Elaine this year was sharing the stage with her at Ignite 5. The beauty of doing a presentation about beer is that you have to hang out and drink beer while planning your talk. Our hard work paid off and we schooled the geeks with our knowledge of Colorado microbrews.

But the thing I love most about Elaine is that two months ago she did something most of us only dream about: she quit her job to travel. And on top of that, she did it all by herself.

I couldn’t be prouder of my friend. Judging from her blog posts and tweets, Elaine is doing a wonderful job of traveling solo and seems to be succeeding in the goal of spreading her special brand of awkward all over Europe.

Thanks for all the fun this year Elaine. Here’s to more Rio margs together in 2010! ¹

Photo credits: highfireDANGER, greeblemonkey, and kitseeborg

There was some serious swag in the party bags this year. Not Sundance or Academy Award level, but the best stuff I’ve seen at a BlogHer conference yet.

Take the Room 704 party. Women patiently waited not just for the party to start, but for a brown bag full of goodies.

Cleaning supplies? Some of those.

Lip gloss? Some of that.

Vibrator from party sponsor Eden Fantasys?* Yup.

Getting the swag bag was an unexpected surprise since I was simply there for the free alcohol party. In the middle of one conversation, I heard women chanting my name and looked around to find the source of the noise.

Turns out my business card had been drawn from a fishbowl and I have won another sex toy.**

In case you’ve lost count, Mom and Dad, that’s two vibrators. Yes, BlogHer is a blogging conference. (Also? I have no idea what one would even do with such a massager.)

Talking to my roommate the next morning, I retold my tale and showed her my prize from the night before. She smiled and mentioned that she had reviewed that very vibrator on her blog a few weeks before.

What luck.***

I joked with her about missing that post but after waiting a minute, I asked her to tell me what she thought of this particular model.

Shaking her head, she started to laugh. “It didn’t do much for me,” she said.

She must have sensed my dejection because she added one last thing obviously designed to make me feel better.

“But I’m not as athletic as you…”

When your vibrator is more of a workout than anything else, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of even using one?****

*It bugs me that the company name isn’t spelled Fantasies. Is it because I used to be a seventh grade teacher? Or because I work for a company whose name is always misspelled?

** Does this count as drama Kevin and Elaine?

***Because this meant that I didn’t have to write a review.

****Don’t feel like you have to answer this question. Especially if you are my mother.

Skirt Sports has been a godsend for women’s running. Before Skirt Sports, there were running shorts but to be honest, they were never that appealing. It seemed most of the gear I had was designed by a man for a woman and how it looked was of minimal concern. Times have changed…I can now wear a cute running skirt for a long training workout or wear my one-piece marathon dress on raceday.

Rocking the running dress on an attempt to summit Mt. Huron

Nicole DeBoom is the woman behind Skirt Sports and she has a good story. She grew tired of not finding any running gear that looked good on her. (Sound familiar?) So instead of getting frustrated, she got creative and created her own line of female fitness gear.

I love that despite the fact that she used to be a professional triathlete, she’s also a woman. And she wants her butt to look good while racing. Nothing wrong with that.

My first skirt was a triathlon transition skirt that I pulled on after the swim, for the bike and running portions of the race. It provided exactly what I needed and I was indeed hooked after that first test of the skirt.

My only complaint was that the skirt kept turning to the side...but that might have been user error.

Soon, I had skirts for the gym, skirts for running and skirts for races. Besides being comfortable, they’re cute and they make me feel better while running. Just because I’m out there working hard doesn’t mean I have to look like it. (I also think the skirts make me faster, but that claim is still under investigation.)

Boulder Backroads Half-Marathon 2006

I’m simply a big fan of the Skirt Sports brand and products. They’re all the rage around town, but I still notice that when I’m running in different parts of the country, there aren’t many other skirts out there. I get lots of questions and am always an evangelist for the brand because I think every woman deserves to look good while she’s running.

Running shorts and I broke up a long time ago. And I’m never going back.

*The skirts are not made in Boulder, but I feel like including them in this series because the company and the idea for the running skirts were.

I never have a good answer to that one.

photo credit: duncan

I’ve been married before and I’ve changed my name before. It wasn’t an easy process or one I enjoyed. Same goes for switching back to my maiden name after the divorce.  (He politely asked me to not keep his name and I was more than happy to oblige.) In case you lost count, that’s already two times that I’ve changed my name. Oh, twenties, how much you taught me.

However, this time it’s different. The last time I changed my name, I wasn’t doing much of anything online and I definitely wasn’t working in the tech industry. I didn’t have a profile set up under my name on tons of services or any idea that “Google juice” actually existed. A digital footprint wasn’t something I thought about.

Which leads me to the Marriage 2.0 question…do I change my name this time around?

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m nothing close to a page rank queen because I’m defintely not the only Tara Anderson around. There is an amazingly talented crafter (who beat me to the username on Flickr and takes wonderful photos), an OB/GYN doctor in Illinois, a public radio producer in New York City and a few profiles on MySpace.

Let’s not forget the struggling actress and the  list-maker, both of whom besides sharing my name, also share similar passions with me. Don’t even get me started on the hot swimsuit entrepreneur currently living in Romania.

But the thing is…I like my name.

After a little online research into the subject, another point surfaced. There are no other Tara Calihmans out there. If I took my husband’s last name, I could own the space. I go from an Anderson to a Calihman, keeping myself still in the first half of the alphabet and with the same number of letters, but I become the only Tara Calihman.

Even more online research brings me to one of my favorite women. Turns out Penelope Trunk has changed her name four times, which makes my two name changes seem like child’s play.

photo by: slavin fpo

But this possible increase in the search results comes at what cost? Having to change my name on not just all of my physical accounts but also on all of my viral ones, getting the word out to people I know and building my Google cred from the bottom. Oy. Just the thought of it makes my head hurt with visions of form after form, lost pieces of mail and a weird kind of online anonymity that might end up hurting the chances of someone looking for me. (On a related geeky note, do I have to retag everything?)

Like so many other things about the beginning of a new life, this question is just the tip of the iceberg.  If I don’t change my  name, what happens when we have kids? Do we become that annoying couple with a hyphenated last name that becomes too long to fit on forms? Does my husband change his name or do we decide to buck tradition and pick a new last name together? Does my name have anything to do with my identity beyond the realm of Google? What is a name anyway?

And of course, why is this something I’m even worrying about? You don’t see guys writing posts like these.

Help me out and shine some light on this one, oh smart ladies of the internet. What do you think, or better yet–what have you done about changing your name after marriage?

Writing her first blog post

Today is my mom’s birthday and this time last year, she was celebrating in a federal penitentiary.

She crossed a protest line, trespassing onto federal property and, for standing up for what she believed in, my mom was sentenced to a month in prison. Upon arriving, she bought two chocolate cupcakes from the prison commissary, one to eat on my sister’s birthday and one for her own. My mom spent her 66th birthday in a cell with a stale cupcake.

She recently posted her thoughts on a very unique one-year anniversary. (Yes, my mom has a blog–doesn’t yours?)

My favorite part of her look back…

“But the growth has not been without the pain. I am not comfortable now. I question more, have less patience with the wrongs in the world and wonder, more then ever, where my place in all of it should be.”

I couldn’t ask for a more amazing mother. She inspires me to not accept things as they are and to speak out against injustice.

Happy birthday Mom. I love you and am glad that this year, you won’t have to worry about any guards yelling at you.

For more about my mom’s social justice advocacy and time in prison, check out her other posts…

• why she crossed the protest line in the first place
• the statement she made at her trial
• a detailed report from the inside
• her initial impressions after getting out

And, if you really want to give her a thrill, leave a comment on her blog. It means more to her than any present.

Ummm…mic check, one, two, one two…

So, right, sorry about my silence. Honestly though, things were a little crazy in February, with less days and my birthday and a comedic presentation and a blogging conference.

There are no good excuses to be made about the blog neglect. But hey, I’m back and attempting to be better than ever. And? I’m getting married tomorrow.

That being said, why in the hell am I writing a blog post on the eve of my elopement? Basically, I am a week overdue in posting my birthday list of what I want to do this year. By sharing it now,  I can cross at least one thing off the list the day after tomorrow. (And if you know me at all, then you know how much I really love crossing things off lists.)

1. more yoga
2. run another marathon
3. elope
4. work on improving my green thumb by growing beans and helping with the community garden
5. pay down credit card debt
6. write more letters
7. perform stand-up at least once a month
8. incorporate strength training into my workout routine
9. reach out to my old friends
10. play another season of Ultimate Frisbee
11. do more push-ups
12. explore new parts of Colorado
13. give more bodywork
14. roller derby!
15. experiment with video
16. get scuba certified
17. blog more
18. learn basics of Photoshop
19. buy more vintage clothing
20. get rid of unnecessary stuff
21. say yes more
22. reach outside of my comfort zone
23. swim
24. throw a kickass wedding party
25. volunteer my time with a cause close to my heart
26. get the tattoo on my ankle redone
27. be sure my loved ones know how I feel about them
28. dance more
29. put money in my savings account every month
30. acknowledge gratitude daily
31. practice compassion
32. forgive and forget
33. learn how to juggle

Let’s see how I do. I promise it will not be another month until my next post. Especially since I’ll have rad pictures of a mod wedding dress to share very soon. (If that’s not a teaser, I don’t know what is…)

*Thanks to Caroline for being a constant source of inspiration and for sharing her own list.

**Somewhat interesting tidbit…Caroline and I have six things in common on our lists (almost twenty percent), which helps to illustrate why we’re friends in the first place.

In addition to the weather, Los Angeles proved to be a good choice by seducing me with amazing people, interesting opportunities and a diverse culture. Call it a retreat, call it a girl’s weekend, call it a bachelorette party (which I refuse to do), the time I spent in east L.A. revived me, inspired me and got me ready to rock out in 2009.

Looking back on the trip, there were a few things that were essential to the success of the weekend. Your mileage may vary, but I think you’ll agree that these are some of the necessities:

–a heavy dose of Mexican food–coming from Colorado, we were desperate for Mexican food done right. Fortunately, there were huevos rancheros a plenty, a late-night taco stand run, and lots of nachos… very important for fueling the fun.

–shopping–we walked and looked more than we actually consumed, but it was the leisurely way we did it and the local boutiques we were doing it in that made it so incredible. Silver Lake has fantastic stores and you have to love a neighborhood with personality.

–Thai massage–all “happy ending” jokes aside, this shit was awesome. As a certified massage therapist, I’ve had a lot of massage over the years. But this was a first. Probably the deepest massage I’ve received in a while and with the crazy stretching involved, also the most needed. If you’ve never had a Thai woman walk on your back,  you’re missing out. (Caroline wrote a post about the place we went to in Echo Park.)

–beautiful weather–I know I already gushed about it, but the 80-degree days were really, really nice. There was talk about how warm it was for a California winter but it was just what my pale, Colorado, bundled-in-layers soul needed.

–karaoke–say what you want about the activity, I love singing with strangers. We went to a dive bar called The Smog Cutter , which besides having an awesome name, also had a very interactive karaoke experience. Namely, there was no stage. So you basically just sang in the midst of everyone at the bar, resulting in lots of backup singers, people dancing around you, and ample opportunity to work the crowd. Seriously, it was an epic night of karaoke. Not to mention, I rick-rolled the joint. Totally awesome.

–no schedules–I came to L.A. wanting to simply go with the flow. By not planning every minute of the day, we let things happen and took it all in at a relaxed pace. Who wants to be rushed around anyway?

–near-celebrity sightings–It’s L.A. You can’t help but almost see a celebrity. Our close call came on a corner of Sunset Drive.  Ingrid thought she saw this guy:

…when really she just saw a bulldog who liked to bite skateboards. Embarrassing.

–pajama parties–Do I really need to explain this one?

–Jumbos Clown Room–I’m not going to explain this one but will say I left inspired.

–good friends–I had the right ladies accompany me on this adventure and I love what they brought to the weekend.  It was also really entertaining to tell people that we met because of our blogs. To top off the weekend, I made new acquaintances and got the chance to see an old high school chum (one is silver and the other gold)…reuniting after 14 years only to be reminded that we haven’t really changed that much.

So in summary, despite the title of this post and to some folks’ disbelief, not much actual trouble was had.

Were we troublesome? Very much so.

And boy was it fun.

My sisters and I had a Nintendo when we were growing up and my mom threw it away. She says she was worried that we weren’t ever going to read or go outside again. One day, the Nintendo was there, we were playing Dr. Mario, and the next day… gone. Just like that. Ripped out of our young lives.

[Insert paragraph about how, a decade or so later, I fell in love and was married to a gamer for a few years. Not entirely ready to write about it yet. But when I am, watch out...it's a great post in the making. Needless to say, it soured me a bit on the whole gaming thing.]

Fast forward two decades and what’s that? Gwen Bell invites me to a party? A very exclusive and cool party thrown by Nintendo? Ummm…okay.

I had never been privy to such a gathering before and I drove down to the party with mixed emotions. The truth: I was a little skeptical because I had actually seen one of the commercials for the DS Lite. It was the one with Carrie Underwood, where she’s in her tour bus holding a real dog in her lap while petting a fake dog with her stylus on her pink DS Lite. I thought it a little weird. How could this be fun?

However, all of my doubts were gone when I stepped foot into the party.

Awesome, fun chicks…hanging out and playing games. I was in heaven. Nintendo rented a great space, provided both the food and drinks, and gave us ladies the chance to try out different games including Mario Kart, Guitar Hero and Brain Age. I even sweet-talked one of the Nintendo girls (nice job, huh?) into letting me play Super Mario Bros from her personal stash. That did it. Suddenly I was back in middle school, playing Nintendo with my sisters. Fuck yeah.

And then, if all that fun wasn’t enough, when the party was over, Nintendo gave each one of us a DS Lite of our very own. To take home. Double fuck yeah.

While the DS Lite hasn’t taken over my life, it has proven to be a fun outlet. And I’m not the only one who thinks that. Besides decreasing my brain age by 20 years, the DS Lite is a godsend in airports. The only down side I’ve encountered?

Sharing it with my boyfriend financier fiancee.

At least he knows who it belongs to. Not because of the rhinestone encrusted martini glass that graces the front of my DS Lite. Oh no…it’s because I never let him forget.

Nintendo succeeded at making me a fangirl because they wined me and dined me, making me feel like a cool kid. No matter how old you are, everyone loves getting free stuff. Their plan worked. Not only have I bought another game for my DS Lite, but I tell everyone how much I love mine. And how Nintendo did it again.

(Mom, if you’re reading this, don’t worry. I’m still reading and going outside.)