Tall Tara

I’m at the mid-way point of my Paleo challenge. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, perhaps it’s best to start over here with me explaining why eating like a caveman is going to be an interesting experiment.

And if you have been following me on this journey, then you already know what kind of crazy you’re dealing with and I’m excited to share the new insights from three weeks of eating the Paleo way…

• Nothing’s impossible. I mentioned this before, but when I hear people saying that there’s no way they would be able to give up sugar, I simply laugh. While it may sound trite, you really can accomplish anything you set your mind to. I’ve been off the sugar for three weeks and while I’m the first to admit that it’s a difficult thing to do, it’s FAR from impossible.

• No more Tums. My husband, blaming his “weak Jewish stomach”, used to pop Tums like they were candy. Since we’ve started with Paleo, he hasn’t needed a single one. I don’t mean that he’s weaned himself or reduced his intake…I mean the dude has not had ONE. SINGLE. CHALKY. TABLET. If you know this Jew stomach I speak of, you know that this is in fact a Paleo miracle.

• Vivid dreams. My coach warned that we might experience some changes in our sleep. I figured she just meant that we’d get more and better sleep, which has been true. But the biggest sleep-associated change I’ve noticed has been in my dreams…they’re really intense, action-packed and at some point in the night, involve a dessert. And most of the time, the dream desserts are ones that I’ve never even seen in real life. Like mint chocolate mochi sandwiches?

• Forced creativity in the kitchen. Creativity blossoms when limitations are imposed. Just because we can’t have flour doesn’t mean that we can’t have pancakes. No pasta, no problem. In addition to Paleo pancakes, my husband has blown me away with substitutions for a wide variety of our favorite dishes…from eggplant parmesan to stuffed mushrooms, hollandaise sauce to sorbet. Is this guy for real?

• Compliments. I’ve heard everything from “your skin looks dewy” (which I think is a good thing) to “your hair looks shiny”. Add in the people who’ve told me I look lean and the ones who’ve mentioned that my face seems thinner, well, hot damn. Not to mention that my CrossFit coach said that she saw my bicep bulging early one morning. (You do have tickets, right? For the gun show?)

• I’m discovering new foods. That I like. Included in this group are parsnips, turnips, brussel sprouts, roasted carrots, flaxseed meal (really?) and kale. Vegetables that I may have turned down in the past seem Different! New! Exciting! I never thought I would be saying such things about a parsnip.

• The Paleo effect on my period. (Skip to next bullet point NOW if you don’t want to read about my menstrual cycle.) My period started a full week early on this diet. According to other women who have undergone similar nutrition changes, my metabolism is revved up, which can wreak havoc on hormones. Like my fancy scientific explanation? Basically, with crazy surging hormones, my cycle is responding the only way it knows how.

• The Paleo effect on my wallet. At first, I bitched about how much money I was spending at the grocery store to eat real food. What I forgot about was the fact that we’re not really eating out anymore. And that we cook a lot for dinner each night to insure that we have leftovers the next day for lunch. Not to mention, we’re now Costco members. Say what you want, nuts really are cheaper there.

• The Paleo effect on the rest of my life. If I can do this, forget about it. I find myself watching other people eat shitty processed food and I feel stronger. Like I’ve accomplished something by saying no when asked, again, if I want a cookie. In fact, I like to take every opportunity to make people feel guilty about the disgusting crap they’re putting in their bodies. “That cookie? No thanks…I don’t eat stuff like that.” I may not have cured cancer, but the sense of accomplishment that I’m relishing in these days is almost as good as a cupcake. (I’m obviously carb-depleted.)

• It’s important to realize what you once had. Like cheese. I miss you. Oh to be surrounded by you again…

• You can fool people into eating Paleo with you. I found inspiration from Andrew Hyde, who pulled the Paleo trick on a dinner party of around twenty. We’ve done it twice now and it’s fun. Even for hardcore chicks from Montana. Who thought you might serve them “twigs and dirt”. That’s a quote from Montana, herself.

• Sparkling water is the new coconut milk. Okay, not really, because nothing takes the place of my one and only sweet love. But a glass of Pellegrino with a fresh-cut lemon sure can make you feel like a million bucks. OR at least make you feel like you’re drinking a cocktail that cost nine dollars. Amazing how fizzy bubbles have the ability to make things better. (Score one for Alka-Seltzer’s marketing team.)

Half-way there, I remind myself.

It takes 21 days to form a good habit, I remind myself.

I’m doing it for the bikini and for Belize, I remind myself.

All that being said, I’m not going to lie…this challenge is hard and I have momentary thoughts about cheating. When I smell that fresh bread out of the oven or the waft of a Frito in a meeting, for a second I consider the option of only eating a bite. Then, I realize what that one bite would symbolize and instead, simply decide to enjoy the smell.

But more importantly, I don’t cheat because there are three weeks left in this challenge and although he’s my friend, I would hate it for Andrew Hyde to win this thing.

After all, Mama needs some spending money on her honeymoon.